Monday, 14 December 2015

Hello there

Finally got over the dreaded Day #1
After another bunch of wasted days of drinking when I really didn't truly want to, it was the weekend again. But it's Friday, you have to have some! Then, its Saturday and we are going to a dinner party, of course you are going to have some! The same old who's going to drive scenario came up while at the liquor store picking up some Christmas gifts and of course one "slim" bottle, aka regular size bottle for me."I will drive!" I piped in. "Well why are you getting a bottle then?" J says. "Well I'm going to have a glass of course, just one, then I'll drive later!". Same old tense conversation. He knows the whole bottle will be gone, so then he will have to drive. I hate that. It makes me feel terrible. Turns out the driving deal was saved by our good friend who volunteered to go out of her pregnant little way to come pick us up. A good friend she is.
The dinner party was great, really nice to catch up with friends and to see how all their little ones are growing up so fast. I do have to say that there is no hiding it, I do feel uncomfortable being in those types of situations these days. I think its the drinks, but also the no baby making thing. Is everyone watching me? Do they know? Pace yourself, say no to shots, pace yourself, water, water! And now the looming thought, " I wish I would have done that sober...". So I got my regular rosie shine on. We got our ride home, so thankful. Had some late night snacks. Then went to bed. I think I managed ok, nothing too crazy this evening right? It was an early wake up for work the next morning, which is fine, I've managed to ace that skill over the years. I would say I was a little rusty to sum it up. I finished the last day of work for the week at the restaurant, headed over to J's parents for his dad's Bday brunch. I was tired, ate quick, helped with clean up really fast and bowed out as quickly as I could without being too rude. J was going to help his dad pick up some lumber, so I said that I needed to go home for a little "me" time. He was actually kind of offended I said that. I never say that.
When I got home, I found the books that I borrowed from Rach the night before. She was digging around in her trunk for some pregnancy books for our little pregnant friend. I was sitting with them and I saw she had one which read " Making a baby" and another titled "Women's Health". She said she wouldn't mind if I borrowed them. Cause seriously, I'll read anything that can help me, there's something bound to help me at this point right! (note the sarcasm moving into the next upcoming words) So I took the books into bed, after so many longing hours I laid down my head and starting reading "Making a baby".
"Tip#1 Stop drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes or marijuana " (at least I don't do two of those right, right!?)
"When preparing your body for making a baby, you should avoid alcohol..." (avoid, but not completely right, right!?)
"STOP DRINKING" (in bold, all capital letters for emphasis)
On and on, repeat after repeat....
Well I'm not sure how that can be any more clear. HELLO! You are not having the one thing you want in your life right now, because you won't stop drinking. Does this not sound like insanity?!
Just fricken stop doing it!
Simple, clear, STOP!!!!!!
I never ended up taking the nap that I so desperately needed to mend my aching head from the (rather tame) night before. I just continued to read. Then I got up and when to the living room and continued to read. See the thing is, I've read all this stuff before in countless books on the subject, but I was digging for another answer, another reason why it wasn't working for us. Every time it came back to a section where it gives advice on a topic, it would clearly state, "stop drinking alcohol, stop smoking cigarettes..." Wake up will you for once!! The answer is being screamed at you in every book that you read. It screams at you every morning when you wake up. It screams at you every time that dreaded time of the month becomes a disappointment instead of a miracle. It screams at you all day long, every day.
Why aren't you listening?
It screams at you always, but no, it only starts to mute when you give in to the voices, when you allow it inside for another long night of countless drinks. It almost silences it, eases the sadness of what the situation has become. Makes it go away, until as of recently it wakes you up in the middle of the night just to remind you again. A little bit of screaming is coming back, quietly as to not wake J. You lay there with negative thoughts and feeling horrible about yourself, tossing and turning until finally you drift back to sleep to steal the last possible hour of sleep before the alarm starts buzzing it's aggravating Feist alarm song. Then its back to full time screaming. The full daytime screaming, into evening screaming.Until the voices start again.
You know the reason that you aren't having a baby. Because you are too bloody selfish to get over yourself.
Just STOP!!!!
I didn't feel the greatest anyways, obviously the result of a night of wine and an early morning work wakeup. Or maybe I didn't feel great from the years of night after night, day after day of the same screaming and muting game. So I just continued to read. and then I didn't drink. I have a full bottle and a mini can sitting in that cupboard, and of course a fully stocked bar that I wouldn't touch anyways.  I just didn't go there. I believe I have to get over this with the possibility of alcohol being around me, it lurks in every place that I go.  As the night carried on there were voices that started to creep in. Instead I grabbed a soda water, and just kept on reading. Before I knew it it was time for bed and I had my DAY#1, no drinking.
So today is going to be day #2. I am wickedly groggy from a restless sleep last night. I've been thinking positive thoughts and reading blogs all day to get me in the right zone. I've planned a pretty busy night of shopping for supplies for catering the New Year's Event Bash for the Community Centre. So that should help with passing most of the night. I'll stay strong when I get home. I can do Day#2
I'm sick of thinking about drinking. That's all I can say for now

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

Day 1 again after a full Weekend

It was a full weekend. Full of emotion. Brimming to the top with it. Blame and tears for why we aren't able to conceive. Not just mine. His as well. I still feel terrible about it, the whole situation, the whole weekend. I know he does as well. I feel most for the loss of another month, the opportunity that is now gone. In my mind I thought it could be our little Christmas miracle, our Christmas secret that no one would know about yet. Funny how the mind is so powerful as to make up scenarios, or maybe its the mind just trying to have continued hope? Well I feel it was kind of a waste. A month is a very long time for someone who is dealing with struggling to have a baby for going on two years. So what else to do in such a flurry of emotions, have a drink. Or two. Or the whole weekend. On the other hand I know its our journey and this is how its supposed to be, how its making us stronger, how it's allowing me to grow and get to the place where I'm supposed to be, blah blah blah, I know. I'm just tired of the whole thing, wanting a baby, and not drinking. Obviously they are linked....
I took a mental health day yesterday from work. Usually I feel guilty for taking sick days, but this time I didn't. It was truly a break from all the unsettling emotions from the weekend. I could actually use a full week and that would only start to heal things. What is so very wrong that I need to heal so much? I went to the city for supplies, went to get some Dim Sum, oh so good. Came home and started the Zen room project. Pulled the white baseboards off, moved some furniture around. Now the walls are ready for filling cracks and re-painting in white. I'm going to add the wood trim that is already in the front of the house. Add some curtains. It's going to be my zen room. Maybe one plant in the corner, that's about it. Plain, empty and simple. I hope to practice yoga there, it will be my space. Eventually, we'll put the baby room there. A room with positive good intentions.
So today is Day #1 again. December 1st. Has a good ring to it doesn't it. Stopping drinking right before Christmas! That's a ballzy move if there ever was one. It does sound very peaceful though. Refreshing. I've already cancelled out of any work parties that there would be on the calendar to attend. There is only one party booked next weekend that I would have to try to get through. It would be pretty smooth sailing compared to most years. Why not then?
I have to work lots at the restaurant- perfect, it will keep me busy and make money
I could throw in some yoga at the studio- perfect, i'll have the extra money to spend on it that I usually drink up everyday.
You could loose a few pounds- this would be in hopes that it would be before the Dr's appointment in a couple weeks. She told us both to lose a few, when i say a few I really mean 10 lbs.
Speaking of Dr's appointments. I considered going to this one by myself. For the simple fact that I could cover up anything she said if she could happen to tell that I was drinking too much by the result of my blood tests. Wow, that's a mental thought. How could I think such a thing especially after going through the emotional fullness with hubby this weekend. After specifically telling him that we are doing this as a team. He needs the doctor's reassuring words to give him confidence, not the second hand words from me. Contradictory at its finest. Seems like everything to do with battling this drinking monster is contradictory. And Selfishness.
Contradictory such as urging myself to stop all morning long, reading blogs, making plans, writing these words. Then by the time lunch comes around, the thoughts of the beautiful easing, pleasing liquid seeps into my brain. Giving that urge the power and the fuel it needs, telling me why I should just give up the writing and all this worrying bit cause tonight you are just going to drink anyways. Talk about Wolfie at its finest. I need the power to get through the afternoon, past the witching hour that calls for me. Insanity at its finest.
 As I was about to end this post, I opened up another search tab reading "how to help me quit right now". There was a gentleman's quick and easy video explaining how to do it. It's as easy as saying to yourself, "You don't need this, anymore". Can it be that easy? Telling your mind, you just don't need this anymore? Mind over matter. At the end of the day, mind over matter. Surely your mind will listen?