Monday, 14 December 2015
After another bunch of wasted days of drinking when I really didn't truly want to, it was the weekend again. But it's Friday, you have to have some! Then, its Saturday and we are going to a dinner party, of course you are going to have some! The same old who's going to drive scenario came up while at the liquor store picking up some Christmas gifts and of course one "slim" bottle, aka regular size bottle for me."I will drive!" I piped in. "Well why are you getting a bottle then?" J says. "Well I'm going to have a glass of course, just one, then I'll drive later!". Same old tense conversation. He knows the whole bottle will be gone, so then he will have to drive. I hate that. It makes me feel terrible. Turns out the driving deal was saved by our good friend who volunteered to go out of her pregnant little way to come pick us up. A good friend she is.
The dinner party was great, really nice to catch up with friends and to see how all their little ones are growing up so fast. I do have to say that there is no hiding it, I do feel uncomfortable being in those types of situations these days. I think its the drinks, but also the no baby making thing. Is everyone watching me? Do they know? Pace yourself, say no to shots, pace yourself, water, water! And now the looming thought, " I wish I would have done that sober...". So I got my regular rosie shine on. We got our ride home, so thankful. Had some late night snacks. Then went to bed. I think I managed ok, nothing too crazy this evening right? It was an early wake up for work the next morning, which is fine, I've managed to ace that skill over the years. I would say I was a little rusty to sum it up. I finished the last day of work for the week at the restaurant, headed over to J's parents for his dad's Bday brunch. I was tired, ate quick, helped with clean up really fast and bowed out as quickly as I could without being too rude. J was going to help his dad pick up some lumber, so I said that I needed to go home for a little "me" time. He was actually kind of offended I said that. I never say that.
When I got home, I found the books that I borrowed from Rach the night before. She was digging around in her trunk for some pregnancy books for our little pregnant friend. I was sitting with them and I saw she had one which read " Making a baby" and another titled "Women's Health". She said she wouldn't mind if I borrowed them. Cause seriously, I'll read anything that can help me, there's something bound to help me at this point right! (note the sarcasm moving into the next upcoming words) So I took the books into bed, after so many longing hours I laid down my head and starting reading "Making a baby".
"Tip#1 Stop drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes or marijuana " (at least I don't do two of those right, right!?)
"When preparing your body for making a baby, you should avoid alcohol..." (avoid, but not completely right, right!?)
"STOP DRINKING" (in bold, all capital letters for emphasis)
On and on, repeat after repeat....
Well I'm not sure how that can be any more clear. HELLO! You are not having the one thing you want in your life right now, because you won't stop drinking. Does this not sound like insanity?!
Just fricken stop doing it!
Simple, clear, STOP!!!!!!
I never ended up taking the nap that I so desperately needed to mend my aching head from the (rather tame) night before. I just continued to read. Then I got up and when to the living room and continued to read. See the thing is, I've read all this stuff before in countless books on the subject, but I was digging for another answer, another reason why it wasn't working for us. Every time it came back to a section where it gives advice on a topic, it would clearly state, "stop drinking alcohol, stop smoking cigarettes..." Wake up will you for once!! The answer is being screamed at you in every book that you read. It screams at you every morning when you wake up. It screams at you every time that dreaded time of the month becomes a disappointment instead of a miracle. It screams at you all day long, every day.
Why aren't you listening?
It screams at you always, but no, it only starts to mute when you give in to the voices, when you allow it inside for another long night of countless drinks. It almost silences it, eases the sadness of what the situation has become. Makes it go away, until as of recently it wakes you up in the middle of the night just to remind you again. A little bit of screaming is coming back, quietly as to not wake J. You lay there with negative thoughts and feeling horrible about yourself, tossing and turning until finally you drift back to sleep to steal the last possible hour of sleep before the alarm starts buzzing it's aggravating Feist alarm song. Then its back to full time screaming. The full daytime screaming, into evening screaming.Until the voices start again.
You know the reason that you aren't having a baby. Because you are too bloody selfish to get over yourself.
I didn't feel the greatest anyways, obviously the result of a night of wine and an early morning work wakeup. Or maybe I didn't feel great from the years of night after night, day after day of the same screaming and muting game. So I just continued to read. and then I didn't drink. I have a full bottle and a mini can sitting in that cupboard, and of course a fully stocked bar that I wouldn't touch anyways. I just didn't go there. I believe I have to get over this with the possibility of alcohol being around me, it lurks in every place that I go. As the night carried on there were voices that started to creep in. Instead I grabbed a soda water, and just kept on reading. Before I knew it it was time for bed and I had my DAY#1, no drinking.
So today is going to be day #2. I am wickedly groggy from a restless sleep last night. I've been thinking positive thoughts and reading blogs all day to get me in the right zone. I've planned a pretty busy night of shopping for supplies for catering the New Year's Event Bash for the Community Centre. So that should help with passing most of the night. I'll stay strong when I get home. I can do Day#2
I'm sick of thinking about drinking. That's all I can say for now