Monday, 23 November 2015

Fresh Start, Its Monday again

So today is Monday, fresh new start to the week, and always open for so much potential. I spent the weekend pretty much taking it vegging out. With my upcoming work schedule for the next couple of weeks, I wanted to take the time to slow things down a pace while I could. I picked up my knitting needles this week and it feels good to actually make something that I actually like and would give to someone. Third toque started, hopefully finish it tonight and start on my next project.
Today is Day#1 no drinking. It has to be, I'm so tired of all this.
I drank my regular bottle of Fronterra last night. I of course had to finish the weekend off with a bang, because not drinking on a Sunday would be unheard of. Don't particularly recall going to bed. A mixture of too much wine, tired from the night before and the unwillingness for the weekend to end I suspect. I've been reading other people's blogs, its definitely keeping it forefront on my mind.
Here are a few reasons why I have to stop drinking;
~I just want to have a clear sleep. and wake up with a clear head.
~ I want my mind & body to heal. I want to know what it feels like to be healthy inside and out. I don't remember if I even know what that feels like. 
~I want to have a baby! We are having troubles conceiving. Hands down I know this is the exact reason why we aren't getting pregnant. How selfish is that? I pushed away the thought of it being the reason for so long. I know its true.
~ I need to pay off the debts I owe. I work hard to make money, but I'm just as quick to spend it on a bottle on the way home.
~I want to put my husband at ease, and make him proud of me for quitting. I know he knows I have a problem. He's too nice about it and won't directly say anything, only small comments here and there. I know he would be supportive, he wouldn't say a word if I asked him not to, but I just can't tell him I have a problem and need help. I'm embarrassed.
~ I want family and friends to see me as a non-drinker. I've been the drinker for way too long.
~ I want to loose a few extra pounds that I've been carrying. I think of them as beer fat. I eat really great, but counteract it by drinking too much at night.
~ I don't want something to have so much control over me. It's seriously like when I used to smoke. You are constantly thinking about it all the time. I used to say it was a mind suck and a mind fuck! You think about if you have enough,  when you have to get more, which store haven't you shopped at recently to deviate people thinking you have a problem, what time you can drink again, thinking about the next event you are going to drink at. Hell, trying all day to keep on the right track of not drinking that day, but only wanting to drink more because you thought about drinking all day. It's exhausting.
I'm exhausted!!!
I'm going to keep reading these blogs for the afternoon.
Day#1 Be strong!

Thursday, 19 November 2015

Snow! and today is not Day#1

Well hello there. We woke up to instant winter this morning. Actually, I woke up in the middle of the night like I usually do, looked out the window to see the ground white. Of course I couldn't fall back to sleep right away. I think this is becoming a pattern. I sure hope not. I crave that beautiful feeling of waking up a little tired, but not groggy and just putting my one foot in front of the other. I need to get there.
I was at the restaurant last night, She opened up and was telling me that her hubby wasn't in a good place. He's going on a steady downhill, what other direction would you be heading if you were drinking a bottle and a half everyday. He's sick, probably has been for a while, he refuses to go get checked out. Probably scared of hearing what he already knows. So if he won't go see a doctor, he won't go to the hospital if he gets worse, then that leaves him to gently fade away. They had this conversation, actually talked about it. Not a conversation you would want to ever have in your life with your partner. I guess that's what giving up looks like. I'll never let it get that far. I'm sure that's what he said too. His wife is now starting to plan and put herself in a position to be able to look after herself after he is gone, or after she is away from him, not sure how that's going to pan out. In my opinion you should be planning out your life moving forward together. Not separete, with your partner gone. It makes you wonder what goes on in his head. Does he hate himself, does he just not care? He's so smart, funny, pessimistic, negative, inquisitive. He was going to write a book. I'm thinking he won't get that book done.
I'm actually excited at the prospect of being sober. I like reading these sober blogs and I look forward to reaching the milestones like they do. I already see myself there and really happy. Drinking tea. Doing yoga without a guilty concious that I am conteracting such a good thing by running home and drinking away the great natural high that I just experienced. Saying no. I always say yes. I want people to see me drinking tea instead and ask. I will lie and say "doing a detox" or "watching the calories". But as time goes on they will forget about it and it will become a norm. Or they might just think I'm pregnant. I won't be, if I don't stop what I'm doing. I want that norm of saying no. I think it will be easier then quitting smoking though, but once you get there it will be the best feeling to never have to think about it. I always said the only time for me smoking was a danger was when I was drinking. Eliminate them both and that seems like a boat load of awesome to me.
I'm sick of thinking about drinking. See that's a perfect blog title.
Not sure why I can't get my mindset to get to Day#1 again. I bought my wine at lunch already today. 
Once I actually get there I can go a few days. I feel good. I just need to keep up the momentum and not cave at the slightest thought. The mind is such a powerful thing. Or maybe that's the addiction. Maybe this blogging will help this time when I get to that point again.
When I get to that point.
Why can't I get my head there right now?
Today is not Day#1
Lets shoot for tomorrow shall we.

Wednesday, 18 November 2015

Beginnings and Ends

Hello, it's me
Its been awhile, now I think its time to check in. In so many ways.

So its taken me a while to get my password and username straight after not logging in year for many years, as you can see by the last post date. But I am here now. My first intention was to get back onto this blogging idea I had so many years ago, with a new spin of course. I was going to change the name to something a little more catchy and related to my current state and give it a little make over. As I finally got the password to work, I jumped into changing that name but realized that name does in fact reflect the exact state that I am currently in, be it now in a different context. When I first started this blog in 2012, I was excited and overwhelmed as a new house and acreage owner. I wanted to tell the world how amazing my life was coming along, my great boyfriend at the time (now wonderful hubby), my chickens, my animals, my everyday craftyness, everything that got me running straight out of bed in the morning. At the time I wanted a cute fun name that reflected my love for local food, my everyday muses, and for good measure throw in there a geographical cue, living on our beautiful Creek. You know how it is, like every other blogger out there searching for that fitting name for themselves. All those good things and intentions was the meaning behind starting Fork In The Creek. But today, four years later, its turned into a different meaning. I am now at a Fork in the Creek, my own fork, my own creek. So the name stays. Hello from Fork In the Creek.
So here goes, I'm starting this journal following how I am on the journey of getting to the better place I know I should already be a little closer to finding. Finding my Zen, finding my balance, finding relief, finding, well, me.
Today should be my Day #1 of not drinking. Because yesterday was supposed to be my last day and today was supposed to be Day #1, cause you know, that's what I said. That's what I've said every morning for the past, hmmm I don't know actually, lets say going on multiple years. But today is my last day, I swear, it needs to be. So I'll carry on with my last bottle of wine that I've already purchased for after work tonight. Don't forget to include that single beer I purchased to get the party started. I will hate it, but feel so comforted at the same as I drink the entire thing. I won't feel as bad after the first couple, don't worry. As I pour the last drop late tonight, I will say to myself that its the last time (again). Tomorrow is my Day #1.
Please, let me have the power to make tomorrow my Day #1