Thursday, 19 November 2015

Snow! and today is not Day#1

Well hello there. We woke up to instant winter this morning. Actually, I woke up in the middle of the night like I usually do, looked out the window to see the ground white. Of course I couldn't fall back to sleep right away. I think this is becoming a pattern. I sure hope not. I crave that beautiful feeling of waking up a little tired, but not groggy and just putting my one foot in front of the other. I need to get there.
I was at the restaurant last night, She opened up and was telling me that her hubby wasn't in a good place. He's going on a steady downhill, what other direction would you be heading if you were drinking a bottle and a half everyday. He's sick, probably has been for a while, he refuses to go get checked out. Probably scared of hearing what he already knows. So if he won't go see a doctor, he won't go to the hospital if he gets worse, then that leaves him to gently fade away. They had this conversation, actually talked about it. Not a conversation you would want to ever have in your life with your partner. I guess that's what giving up looks like. I'll never let it get that far. I'm sure that's what he said too. His wife is now starting to plan and put herself in a position to be able to look after herself after he is gone, or after she is away from him, not sure how that's going to pan out. In my opinion you should be planning out your life moving forward together. Not separete, with your partner gone. It makes you wonder what goes on in his head. Does he hate himself, does he just not care? He's so smart, funny, pessimistic, negative, inquisitive. He was going to write a book. I'm thinking he won't get that book done.
I'm actually excited at the prospect of being sober. I like reading these sober blogs and I look forward to reaching the milestones like they do. I already see myself there and really happy. Drinking tea. Doing yoga without a guilty concious that I am conteracting such a good thing by running home and drinking away the great natural high that I just experienced. Saying no. I always say yes. I want people to see me drinking tea instead and ask. I will lie and say "doing a detox" or "watching the calories". But as time goes on they will forget about it and it will become a norm. Or they might just think I'm pregnant. I won't be, if I don't stop what I'm doing. I want that norm of saying no. I think it will be easier then quitting smoking though, but once you get there it will be the best feeling to never have to think about it. I always said the only time for me smoking was a danger was when I was drinking. Eliminate them both and that seems like a boat load of awesome to me.
I'm sick of thinking about drinking. See that's a perfect blog title.
Not sure why I can't get my mindset to get to Day#1 again. I bought my wine at lunch already today. 
Once I actually get there I can go a few days. I feel good. I just need to keep up the momentum and not cave at the slightest thought. The mind is such a powerful thing. Or maybe that's the addiction. Maybe this blogging will help this time when I get to that point again.
When I get to that point.
Why can't I get my head there right now?
Today is not Day#1
Lets shoot for tomorrow shall we.

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