Tuesday, 1 December 2015

Day 1 again after a full Weekend

It was a full weekend. Full of emotion. Brimming to the top with it. Blame and tears for why we aren't able to conceive. Not just mine. His as well. I still feel terrible about it, the whole situation, the whole weekend. I know he does as well. I feel most for the loss of another month, the opportunity that is now gone. In my mind I thought it could be our little Christmas miracle, our Christmas secret that no one would know about yet. Funny how the mind is so powerful as to make up scenarios, or maybe its the mind just trying to have continued hope? Well I feel it was kind of a waste. A month is a very long time for someone who is dealing with struggling to have a baby for going on two years. So what else to do in such a flurry of emotions, have a drink. Or two. Or the whole weekend. On the other hand I know its our journey and this is how its supposed to be, how its making us stronger, how it's allowing me to grow and get to the place where I'm supposed to be, blah blah blah, I know. I'm just tired of the whole thing, wanting a baby, and not drinking. Obviously they are linked....
I took a mental health day yesterday from work. Usually I feel guilty for taking sick days, but this time I didn't. It was truly a break from all the unsettling emotions from the weekend. I could actually use a full week and that would only start to heal things. What is so very wrong that I need to heal so much? I went to the city for supplies, went to get some Dim Sum, oh so good. Came home and started the Zen room project. Pulled the white baseboards off, moved some furniture around. Now the walls are ready for filling cracks and re-painting in white. I'm going to add the wood trim that is already in the front of the house. Add some curtains. It's going to be my zen room. Maybe one plant in the corner, that's about it. Plain, empty and simple. I hope to practice yoga there, it will be my space. Eventually, we'll put the baby room there. A room with positive good intentions.
So today is Day #1 again. December 1st. Has a good ring to it doesn't it. Stopping drinking right before Christmas! That's a ballzy move if there ever was one. It does sound very peaceful though. Refreshing. I've already cancelled out of any work parties that there would be on the calendar to attend. There is only one party booked next weekend that I would have to try to get through. It would be pretty smooth sailing compared to most years. Why not then?
I have to work lots at the restaurant- perfect, it will keep me busy and make money
I could throw in some yoga at the studio- perfect, i'll have the extra money to spend on it that I usually drink up everyday.
You could loose a few pounds- this would be in hopes that it would be before the Dr's appointment in a couple weeks. She told us both to lose a few, when i say a few I really mean 10 lbs.
Speaking of Dr's appointments. I considered going to this one by myself. For the simple fact that I could cover up anything she said if she could happen to tell that I was drinking too much by the result of my blood tests. Wow, that's a mental thought. How could I think such a thing especially after going through the emotional fullness with hubby this weekend. After specifically telling him that we are doing this as a team. He needs the doctor's reassuring words to give him confidence, not the second hand words from me. Contradictory at its finest. Seems like everything to do with battling this drinking monster is contradictory. And Selfishness.
Contradictory such as urging myself to stop all morning long, reading blogs, making plans, writing these words. Then by the time lunch comes around, the thoughts of the beautiful easing, pleasing liquid seeps into my brain. Giving that urge the power and the fuel it needs, telling me why I should just give up the writing and all this worrying bit cause tonight you are just going to drink anyways. Talk about Wolfie at its finest. I need the power to get through the afternoon, past the witching hour that calls for me. Insanity at its finest.
 As I was about to end this post, I opened up another search tab reading "how to help me quit right now". There was a gentleman's quick and easy video explaining how to do it. It's as easy as saying to yourself, "You don't need this, anymore". Can it be that easy? Telling your mind, you just don't need this anymore? Mind over matter. At the end of the day, mind over matter. Surely your mind will listen?

No comments:

Post a Comment